Yitro - In the Eyes of God and Man

Both our relationship with God and our relationship with people must work together in harmony.

This week’s parsha presents several notable conundrums. From the outset, the sequence of the narrative seems strange, and many commentators hold that it doesn’t follow chronological or logical order. The Gemara in Mesechet Zevachim 116a teaches that the final step of the Exodus was to receive the Torah at Mt. Sinai. But the parsha for some reason begins with Yitro’s story, and in anti-climactic fashion, doesn’t discuss the revelation at Mt. Sinai until the second half of the parsha.

Moreover, it would make much more sense for Yitro’s story to follow next week’s parsha, Mishpatim, when the Jewish people receive the Torah’s civil law, which was the focus of the episode.

I have mentioned in the past that the parsha’s odd narrative sequence is due to Yitro’s story being the source for the laws and ideals of derech eretz, so it had to go first. Derech eretz fortifies our connection to the world around us. As the Midrash says, derech eretz kadma l’torah, derech eretz comes before Torah.

The second half of the parsha, which presents the Ten Commandments, is equally perplexing for several reasons.

Throughout the ages, people have wondered why God elevated these particular ten commandments. After all, one could reasonably argue that other commandments have even greater import. Moreover, the first commandment is a declaration, not a command:

אָנֹכִי יְהֹוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ אֲשֶׁר הוֹצֵאתִיךָ מֵאֶרֶץ מִצְרַיִם מִבֵּית עֲבָדִ͏ים

I am the Lord your God who took you out of the land of Egypt, from the confines of slavery. [Exodus 20:2]

To understand the Ten Commandments, we must look at them as a whole. It’s well-known that the first tablet is focused on the relationship between man and God, bein adam lamakom, while the second side pertains to the relationships between people, bein adam l’chaveiro.

However, if that framework is correct, then why is kabed et avicha v’et imecha, the mitzvah to honor one’s parents, grouped with the first side of the Luchot, which concerns our relationship with God? Some maintain that God was elevating parents, treating them—as the Gemara in Kiddushin (30b) states—like His partners in the creation of a child. But that explanation is difficult in the context of Jewish law, which acknowledges that some parents may not be deserving of honor, at least in the conventional sense of the word.

I believe that when God includes honoring parents on the first side of the Luchot, He is commanding us to acknowledge the reality of where we come from, for better or worse. In other words, we are not necessarily honoring them as individuals but rather honoring the life we’ve been given—and in doing so, honoring ourselves in the context of God, not human relationships.

It is a profound achievement to stop trying to change our past, because only then can we build a meaningful future. Kabed et avicha v’et imecha is a commandment to let go of resentments toward our upbringing and move forward. The only way to do that is to recognize and accept those who provided us with our physical or psychological DNA—whether they were ideal parents or not. Honoring them in this sense means honoring the reality of our own existence, embracing our past as part of our journey rather than something to resist or rewrite. In this way, by honoring your parents, you ultimately honor yourself.

I think there is an overarching message in the first 5 commandments. God begins by announcing, You must accept that I’m the Lord your God; I took you out of Egypt and we thus have an enduring relationship. That’s a fact, just like it’s a fact your parents are your parents. God is saying, we’re stuck together, so to speak. And that is why you may not have false gods, use God’s name in vain, or disavow your family history, because you’d be living a false existence.

That is also why Shabbat is listed on the first side. While the sighting of the new moon can help calculate our holidays, we have no external source to establish that today is Shabbat, which ends the 7-day week. Shabbat derives only from God’s word, and so keeping it is another way of accepting His reality and acknowledging that His realm, His reality, is outside our control.

And in turn, the commandments on the first side of the luchot provide the foundation for those on the second side, about relationships among people. If one is unable to accept God’s reality, they will want to live in a false world where they think they can control other people, along with their money, spouse, and possessions. From this organization of the Tablets, we learn that our relationship with other people is based on our understanding of our relationship with God.

So, the story of Yitro teaches that derech eretz, which represents our relationship with people, precedes the Torah given to us by God. And the luchot we received at Har Sinai teach us that acknowledging God’s reality is the foundation for how we treat others. One builds off the other, and we need both sides equally—our relationship with God and our relationship with people—to work together in harmony.

Finding this balance enables us to fulfill the lofty goal set by Shlomo Hamelech in Mishlei:

וּמְצָא־חֵן וְשֵׂכֶל־טוֹב בְּעֵינֵי אֱלֹהִים וְאָדָם

that we will find favor in the eyes of God and the eyes of humankind. [Proverbs 3:4]

Shabbat shalom

Eliezer Hirsch