The Final Test
The real test in life is not dramatic acts of greatness, but in how we treat each other every day.
I always refer to Parshat Chayei Sarah as the parsha that teaches us lessons about marriage and relationships. It tells about the union of Yitzchak and Rivka, the first official wedding we have in the Torah, as previous narratives about couples do not explicitly discuss a wedding. Ironically, it’s also where we read about Avraham buying a burial plot for Sarah, a transaction which ostensibly represents the opposite of the joy and celebration of a wedding, and which becomes the source of marriage law in the Torah.
We tend to think of accomplishments in terms of how we grapple with major events and dramatic scenarios. But the real test of character, the real achievement, is found in the way we treat each other day to day
Unique among the commentators, Rabbeinu Yonah contends that the purchase of Sarah’s plot, and not Akeidat Yitzchok [binding of Isaac], was the final test imposed on Avraham. But how could Rabbeinu Yonah consider such a low-key event a greater challenge than the Akeida? My Rebbe Rabbi Yissocher Frand offered a noteworthy explanation. The midrash says that Sarah died from a stroke, which she suffered upon hearing about the Akeidat Yitzchak and fearing her son had died. Avraham returned home after Yitzchak’s brush with death, only to discover that his wife had died as a direct result of the Akeida. Despite the intense grief he must have felt, he had to make the mundane arrangements for her burial. We are told how he encountered Ephron Hachiti, an annoying salesman who haggled for an exorbitant price for the burial plot. Avraham not only agreed to purchase the overpriced plot, he spoke respectfully to the salesman, and to the locals, and even called Efron “master” in front of all his peers.
The lesson here might be hidden in plain sight. We tend to think of accomplishments in terms of how we grapple with major events and dramatic scenarios. But the real test of character, the real achievement, is found in the way we treat each other day to day, in mundane interactions, when we are under stress. It would be perfectly excusable if Avraham had reacted harshly to Ephron - after all, he was under severe emotional strain. But he did not use that as an excuse to let himself off the hook and instead he treated Efron with respect.
The same lesson can be applied to marriage and our other significant long-term relationships. It is easy to see the importance of remembering anniversaries and other major milestones. But in truth, the most important challenge is to maintain our composure when no one (except God) is looking, when there is no fanfare, during our day to day interactions – to resist acting with impatience, frustration, and anger, when we are feeling stretched to the limit.
According to Rabeinu Yonah then, Avraham’s final test was not the monumental Akeidat Yitzchak, but rather it was about how he would carry on and treat others when facing the mundane frustrating details of day-to-day life.
That’s the greatest test we have in our lives – to be kind to our families and other loved ones, especially during times when life is difficult. True greatness comes from the small things we accomplish with each other in private, when no one else is watching.
Shabbat shalom.