Inevitable Friction
What Makes a Conflict Righteous
I would like to offer a heartfelt mazal tov to Tzvi Wolf of Los Angeles and Shoshana Halpern of Lower Merion on their upcoming wedding, as well as to all their friends and family visiting for Shabbat.
This week’s parsha, Korach, posed a bit of a challenge for an aufruf drasha. At first glance, it seems to reflect the opposite of the Jewish ideal of marriage. Korach’s story is one of conflict, division, and machloket. But the Mishnah in Pirkei Avot offers a deeper lens: it contrasts Korach’s rebellion, which it calls aina l’shem shamayim, not for the sake of Heaven, with the arguments between Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai, which are l’shem shamayim, for the sake of Heaven.
I believe Chazal are teaching us that Parshat Korach is not just a warning against conflict, but a guide for how to disagree in a way that fosters peace and growth. Conflict is inevitable, especially in marriage. The goal is not to avoid disagreement, but to engage in it in a way that strengthens the relationship.
But that raises a tough question. Everyone thinks they are fighting for the sake of Heaven. So, how can we tell if our conflict is truly noble?
The Mishnah gives us a subtle clue: it doesn’t describe the fight as between Korach and Moshe, but as Korach v’chol adato—Korach and all his followers. Why doesn’t it name both sides of the conflict?
Because the issue was not about who Korach opposed, it was that his own camp was fractured. There was no unity even among those who were supposedly on the same side. When a machloket is truly for the sake of Heaven, like the debates between Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai, as the Gemara in Eruvin 13b notes, there is respect, humility, and mutual love. When it is not, it devolves into ego, blame, and infighting.
This brings us to a core lesson about marriage. The Torah describes Chava as an ezer kenegdo, a helper who also stands opposite. In other words, some friction is built in. Conflict is normal; what truly matters is whether you remain united at the end of the day, whether you still see your spouse as your person.
One of my favorite teachings on this comes from the Gemara in Brachot 8a, which I revisited on Shavuot. After a wedding, people would greet the couple with a playful but meaningful question: Matza o motzei?, drawing from two seemingly contradictory verses by Shlomo HaMelech.
One pasuk in Mishlei says, Matza isha matza tov, one who has found a spouse has found something good. The other, from Kohelet, says Motzei ani mar mimavet, I find marriage to be more bitter than death.
At first glance, matza o motzei sounds like an awful question. So, are you happy or miserable? But the Gemara is saying something deeper. Matza is past tense; you have found the one. Motzei is present tense; you are still searching.
The lesson is that the beauty of a marriage has everything to do with your mindset. When you focus on what is good and meaningful, when you truly appreciate and fully accept the person you have chosen, you create space for connection, growth, and deeper understanding. Even moments of disagreement can become opportunities to learn more about each other and bring you closer together.
From all the wonderful things I know about them, Tzvi and Shoshana are building a relationship grounded in acceptance, kindness, Torah, and mutual respect. Their bond brings people together and reflects the kind of love and harmony the Torah encourages us to strive for.
On behalf of the entire Mekor community, I want you to know that you will always have a home here in Philly, at Mekor. We bless you with a life filled with joy, peace, meaning, and deep connection.
Mazal tov & Shabbat Shalom.
Rabbi Eliezer Hirsch