Bury the Past
Seeking to foster a successful relationship? It's all about the process of mourning, consolation and Tisha B'Av.
Parashat Eikev - 2020
It is in our power to overcome current challenges only if we can accept the circumstances that have already come to pass, bury, the hatchet, and then turn our focus to the wonderful future that, God willing, awaits us.
Tu B’Av, is known as the Jewish Valentine’s Day. There are several events which occurred on Tu B’Av and we can identify two themes in those events. The first is marriage. For example, when the daughters of צלפחד were told they should only marry within their tribe, that policy only lasted one generation, and it ended on Tu B’av, allowing the next generation of women to marry thereafter outside their tribe.
In another example, the Mishna in Mesechet Taanit 31a tells us that on Tu B’Av, young people would be set up for matchmaking by going out into the fields and making introductions to one another.
The second theme is burial. For example, during the desert sojourns of the Jewish people, God decreed that they would die within 40 years, and they were to prepare for their deaths by digging graves and lying down in them to await their own deaths. But on Tu B’Av, none of the people lying in the graves ended up dying, and so they knew that from then on, death in the desert was no longer to be their fate. In another famous incident following the destruction of the second temple, the Jews of the city of Beitar were killed by the Romans, who forced the Jews to leave their bodies out in the sun to rot. But God made a miracle that prevented the decay, so the bodies could be buried with dignity. Gratitude for that miracle inspired the 4th blessing of Birkat Ha’mazon.
Another meaningful connection with Tu B’Av is the obscure law about chopping wood to fuel the sacrifices at the beit hamikdash. The custom had it that Tu B’av would mark the close of the season of the wood chopping, and so they referred to it as yom tavar magal, the date on which they broke the hatchet. From that phrase, we probably coined the expression, to bury the hatchet.
A major aspect of a successful marriage is the willingness to “bury the hatchet” and not remain stuck in the past. I think this insight applies as well to all of our important relationships. And the same message is reflected in the sequence of events on our Jewish calendar: aveilut, mourning over the Temple, followed by shiva d’Nechemta, the 7 weeks of comfort we’re in now. Both are steps in the process of moving on from the past.
Aveilut derives from the word aval, with the double meaning of definitely or mourning and but, or however, which connotes acceptance and transition. And the word nachama, consolation, connotes both consolation and changing your mind. This teaches us that changing ones mind and pivoting towards the future is the prelude to moving on. The process of Aveilus and Nechama, of mourning and consolation teaches a vital lesson—you cannot have a fulfilling future if you remain in the past.
As we move through this pandemic, which has been a time of loss in so many ways, this lesson can help us create our future, as individuals and as a community. We have many decisions to make about how we will observe the High Holidays, and we know this cannot be like other years. But instead of responding to our setbacks with apathy or disengagement, we can instead recommit to our personal goals, friendships, relationships and community, with enthusiasm and involvement.
As we have learned time and again, it is in our power to overcome our current limitations only if we can accept the circumstances that have already come to pass, and then turn our focus to the wonderful future that, God willing, awaits us.
Copyright 2022 by Eliezer Hirsch